Aug 4, 2014

The finale of the drama known as 'my life'














I'm sorry but no one wants me here anymore. All my friends and lovers have abandoned me and I have no will left to try and fix me. I am a burden on everybody! I am a waste. The only thing I have left to live for is my kitty and she'll be better cared for and happy at my parents house. No one is to blame for this, it's all my fault. I'm fractured deep inside beyond repair. Broken, utterly broken. So much so that all I do is hurt anyone who sees the old familiar good in me that's been chained and beat and broken and soon whispers her last breath. I have nothing but love for all!! Yet I feel your judgements, hear your thoughts, you all know that I am lost. I'd commit to rehab once more but for what? To live here in this apt abrasively alone knowing the last one I gave my heart to is gone. Nobody knows this but I believe in fairy tale love. I'm almost 40 hot but no one will ever marry me, no one will even stick around long enough for me to be well once more. I CAN'T DO IT ALONE!! I want a partner, someone who I can trust and depend on A REASON TO LIVE but all my trust went out the door the day that Evan pretended like he might be back in a day or so and casually hugged and kissed me "love you, bye" and broke up with me by text message an hour later. I have no hope. It's Jeremiah all over again and I should have killed myself then because I can't go through that again! The past 2 years have been a loss. It's been nothing but a steady decline of collective failures and additional heartbreaks one after another, and another. I've kept my head up, picked myself up, dusted off, and confidently walked on but I simply can't maintain this farce that is my ego anymore! It's been 3 days since Evan left me and he's made it clear he doesn't want me even if I get clean. I've done that already! Get clean hoping he will take me back to find he's got a new partner and is finally happy without me and wants nothing to do with me still, still blocked on Facebook, just another ex to avoid or be awkward around. You see, I've determined it doesn't matter if I'm high or in recovery, it's all the same to everybody. It's a permanent stigmatism that I have to live with and will never shake off. Rumors were running rampantly about me before I even thought about using much less a full relapse.......................

Whew! That was the closest to committing suicide I've ever been before! I had an actual plan. But I'm still here.. unfortunately

Jul 30, 2014

Are love spells bad if YOU don't cast them?

Here. It's just a sparkly fairy. What harm could a sparkly fairy be really? My first tattoo was a green fairy sitting on my shoulder. The root of my name is Asrai which are faeries that turn to water when captured. Reconciliation with a liar, huh? Is that what I really want? More than reconciliation I'd like an explanation, and most of all a proper good bye at the very least. I believe that anyone who has intimately bonded and shared love and special times with me owes me that much respect! I go kind of hysterical when partners fail to SEVER ties without ritual genuine closure. They're running around doing all kinds of things with strings still attached to me so I can feel all of it as if it's being blatantly done in front of my face intentionally to hurt and punish me for some wrong thing I didn't know I'd done... maddening!! Instead of a complete full circle feeling of surrender and cord cutting and being better off for the meeting and thankful for the gift of time and reflecting.

REUNITE. Or cut the cords with a face to face honest heart open truthful conversation, a few tears, a hug and good bye I'll love you always and someday be a good friend you know you can TRUST.

NOT a dick coward who was the only person I trusted said they loved me and yet bald face lied and betrayed me leaving me more damaged than I was before knowing your sweetness!

ALWAYS LEAVE A BLESSING!


Free Make Up Spells
Free Make Up Spells

Jul 24, 2014

Breaths can't collapse if you hold them

Every time I look at you I think about how much I'll miss you when you pass away. I want to freeze every frame into the machine of my brain so I may gaze longingly at these pictures of you and not watch them decay. Don't go, true love, please stay! If there's ever a way to stop my dreams from happening I wish to stop this one but I'm too wise to know I should focus on the quality of life and not the time. Be still my mind and better still, be blind. 



Jul 16, 2014

Free Actors Callboard ~ Seattle Casting Calls


We here at Heartsinspyre Entertainment believe that information should be free! While we respect the right of Juan from Performers CALLBOARD to ask for donations for his time, however having been the director of a low budget production before we know how desperate one can be in seeking artists to fill our casting needs. We don't feel that information should come with a fee between the people who seek it and the people it belongs to and to demand starving artists' pay out of pockets only further alienates the elitism between the non-union, non-fiscal, non-profit, non-grant winning, waiting for the final opportunity to bloom or gain experience and learn community at large. This is just another example of greed causing gentrification. So in the true spirit of capitalism a new list has been made to be owned and operated by the community and will remain FREE FOREVER as no one person will have total control keeping it unbiased and neutral and only moderated for spam. Join us now by sending an email to SeattleCastingCalls-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Post Casting Calls to SeattleCastingCalls@yahoogroups.com

Edit your settings on group home page
https://groups.yahoo.com/group/seattlecastingcalls

Once the list begins to grow an email will be sent out seeking Volunteer Moderators and feel free to make suggestion for improvement (positive only, please) to asraiya at gmail.com. 

Jun 29, 2014

True Love and the one that got away.. the story of my Parents



  I seldom tell this story because it's a rather long story as far as what can typically hold most people's attention involuntary. I save it for the people who randomly happen to know enough about me to be intrigued as to my upbringing. As a Gemini rising, I'm all about dichotomy. I'm very humble, rational, realistic, and grounded yet a total fucking princess spoiled brat who will probably never live up to her fantastical expectations. It's very rare but it happened tonight that a friend asked me about my parents. My parents are not only still married but they have the most romantic fairy tale meant to be love story! It's priceless!! Yet as amazing as it may be it makes me feel cursed.. because I have such an incredible thing to live up to. Especially now me being well past the age my parents were when they had me which was 5 whole years after they married mind you and yet I'm still single. I feel utterly disparaged yet never ungrateful nor undetermined because I know something majestically magical brought me into this world. Despite being born so unreasonably premature I would never have made it without a (incubator or some other) mix of medicine & hyper modern machinery, there's no doubt that the Fates gave their blessing. The story is pretty fucking amazing and will never cease to bring a tear to my eye and a flutter to even the most callous of cold hearts because that is our nature as humans beings to believe all our fantasies will eventually become our reality. Who am I to say nay.. I say, "yea, so mote it be!"

mom and dad dating
  So my mom's high school sweetheart of several years was as many years her senior and upon her graduation from high school he finished college and accepted a job in another state. So for whatever was the reason which was a highly evolved decision they agreed to being able to see other people the first year. My mom took a job as a switch board operator she and a girlfriend interviewed for together in a downtown building in Atlanta with a different company occupying each floor full of young adults eager to explore the possible social prospects to be found in the onsite lunchtime cafeteria. My mom's friend was a butterfly always chatting with anyone willing to receive and talking about her most recent dating experience, offering to set my mother up as soon as she was remotely interested.

I think they're still happy together
  Well my mother had in fact run into this one fair man and had her eyes kept on the lookout for him ever since. She had determined at this point which company or which floor he worked on so she agreed to be set up on a blind date with him. Twice she was horribly disappointed to discover her date of choice was in fact not my dad before she finally managed to get the right man. Instantly smitten they both were and within months dad offered her his fraternity pen (akin to a promise/class ring, or varsity jacket etc). My grandmother and family were concerned about this new development and called her high school sweetheart to warn him. So when Christmas came around he showed up secretly unannounced with a ring and proposed her hand in marriage. So my mom accepted her high school sweetheart and broke my father's heart and moved on to spend years with a suspected womanizer.

still love bugs 45 years later

  5 years later after finding proof of her husband's infidelity she left and moved back to Atlanta and got her own apartment and a new job downtown. Somehow within the first year she came across a Georgia Tech alumni directory from one of my dad's fraternal brothers. Immediately she looked up my father's name and called him at his home in Cincinnati. He told her he was happily married and had a little girl named Cynthia Gail (my mother goes by Gail.. oh and it was the rebound girl he managed to get pregnant so my dad being the most honorable father I've ever known did "the right thing" and married her) Disappointed in that oh so familiar notion that poems and songs were written "give all I've got for just one more shot at the one that got away" my mother gave her blessings and a blessed be.

me with my big sister at Tetons national park

  6 months later.. My father calls and says he and his wife have separated and were getting a divorce and he had a airline ticket for that weekend for her to come visit. They've been together ever since ~ 43 years now! Not a day passes that I will accept nothing less will happen someday for me, unfortunately or thankfully yet remains to be seen. I have faith that none can ever take from me and the heart of a mystic indigo child that bears the promise and a key of days to come with nothing left but peace as we lay our burdens down for love and harmony or death. Whatever may be we will receive, yea, we will receive.

mom, dad, my sister Cindi, her husband Art, and their children plus me, the black sheep... in 2006